a story

Hello, hi, it’s been a while. My teacher wasn’t hounding us on February blog posts and I kind of fell behind. Some people in my class are falling in love with their blogs.

I am not. It feels like another diary. I used to keep them until I found out that my brother could pick the locks with a lead pencil. Stupid locks. For ages seven through ten, I tried to keep up and wrote daily. It was horrible. I had girly stickers and actually used the dictionary and thesaurus to find big words that my brother wouldn’t understand. He was two years older than me and also had equal access to those books and the internet.

I felt like I had to make up something kind of believable and interesting every day because he was reading it. I wrote fantastic stories. Love pentagons (five was my favorite number), gazillions of imaginary friends, wish lists, and rants about unicorns not being real. Anything to fill up the pages. The fake stuff I wrote in pink, sparkly, glitter pens, the kind with feathers on the end and glitter that rubbed off everywhere.

The real stuff I wrote in the margins with a 0.5 lead pencil as small as I could. I barely wrote anything real. My brother teased me and it was fine because it was all fake. I eventually got fed up with my books of lies and threw them away. The most exciting things were weekend trips, As on tests, and being in the last five of spelling bees.

Once, I brought home a tiny, little, hermit crab thing from the ocean. It was blue with an ugly shell. I had half a bucket full of ocean water and it lived in the kitchen until my dad came home from work and flushed it down the toilet where it eventually clogged up the drain and stunk up our bathroom and I got lectured and cried. Know what I wrote? OMG BEACH WITH GRANDPA SO MUCH FUN THERE’S STILL SAND EVERYWHERE!!!! (stars and smileys and swirlies)

I can’t make up fantastic stories here. It has to be real. Writing about reading and writing is boring. The most thrilling things that have happened to me in English class this year were not freaking out during a presentation, and sneakily double-doing a partner writing assignment because I felt it needed it and finishing before class ended (which was busy work and never got graded). We do watch movies occasionally in class and that’s fun but how do I blog about that? “Oh, I think it was cool and here’s my short version of plot summary from Wikipedia.” No. It’s like stating “the sky is blue” in as many different ways as you can and it will never be interesting.

I have a prayer notebook because I’m Catholic and reciting words make me feel like a robot and my mind wanders into crazy, extremely, inappropriate territory. I pray because I have to even though it feels fake sometimes.

Here’s one of my entries: God, I hate.

And that’s it. He’s all-knowing and there’s no crazy explosion of feelings and word-vomit. My handwriting says everything else that I need to say. I can write with all the fingers of my right hand (pointer-thumb, middle-thumb, ring-thumb, pointer-middle-thumb, pointer-middle-ring-thumb, pointer-middle-ring-pinky-thumb, pointer-middle, pointer-middle-thumb, middle-ring-pinky, and that’s all of them I counted with a pencil). I switch with feelings. Annoyed is pointer-thumb. Really, really, really angry is pointer-middle-ring-pinky-thumb (to prevent fingernail cuts). Lazy is pointer-thumb. Happy is pointer-middle-thumb. Perfectionist neat is also pointer-middle-thumb. I’ve been doing this since I could write. Each position I hold the pen and each speed I write make a different handwriting. Sometimes I switch to cursive which basically has three variations: fancy-looking slanty, normal and neat, and wide and curly. I mostly use my perfectionist neat or lazy. My notes are interesting to look at because I switch fingers to emphasize.

I have several story journals that are embarrassingly all over the place. I typically write prologue, end, end part of middle, then beginning, middle part of middle, and lastly beginning part of middle. Handwriting switches everywhere too. Intro is a must, the end is easier than the climax, climax to get it over with, back to the beginning for foreshadowing and character loving, and then middle to glue everything together. Plus revisions in highlighter. I rewrite the whole thing with more subtle handwriting hints that are all lost typed up. I could be anyone. It’s a pain to type. Word docs are okay because of multiple fonts, sizes, glow, highlight, outline, etc. I don’t have that here. I do publish some of my stuff online but I don’t delete stuff. On ffnet, AO3, dreamwidth, and other sites, I have different names. There’s stuff I posted in sixth grade that I’m really ashamed of but all those adjectives are kind of cute and, wow, I couldn’t spell weird, did I forget spell check or did I turn it off because it zigzagged my Mary-Sueish names?

I don’t hate blogging. It’s for school and it’s annoying and I’m doing this at like two am because I’m really behind and I’m also waiting for my laundry because I suck and procrastinated on that too. I’m really tired and this is what I call word vomit but I need to post this before I sleep. And by the way, bolds, italics, and underlines aren’t dramatic enough for what it does look like on this draft. You don’t get to see a picture of it because I like trees and this is written on top of old chem homework in blue highlighter that I didn’t do spectacular on.

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